The constant is questioning why. What went wrong is the long and short version of a life snuffed out too soon and trying to figure out what it's worth. The measure of a person is not what is thought of by others but what he/she thinks of oneself. It is so vitally important to know and accept yourself but we often miss the point, neglecting, fielding, denying and downright ignoring our own selves. We can't wait to grow up, get into the big bad world we are going to conquer. Getting in over our heads, we drown. Its a slow process. Needing acceptance and love, we forfeit common sense and reason. We can handle this alone. More disappointment. Sad but ok. Another year goes by. Not exactly happy but resignation sets in and this is the life we couldn't wait for. Missing it, sleeping through it, no eating for me today. Too exhausted to chew. What is flavor? I can live on water. Sedentary. Same old work, same old friends, same old-same-old.
No, this isn't the way it was meant to be for me. I need to get up, take a shower but I'm tired. No! I'm getting up, calling a friend. DO I have friends? Yes-Yes. I want this life. I do, don't I? I'll figure it out. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe the day after that. Oh man, I have no energy. Let me call one of my friends-that's it, I'll get up and take a shower instead of taking those pills. Wait. I'm not ready. Yes, no...no. Ok is this the day or this afternoon? Should I care about who I leave behind-no. No one loves me. Ok-one more try, get up and try sitting up before you stand up. Taking a deep breath, I'm looking out of the window. A bird chirps with a peculiar and familiar sound. I smell crisp air and apples. Is that an apple smell?
What do I know. I'm not smart enough to know anything anymore. Why am I here? Why am I here. Ok, dialing, dialing..leaning my head against the headboard...and a voice I know can help me. It's going to be ok, if only for today.
How I wish that every time someone thought about taking their own life they could have it in their mind to accept and embrace help. Its not as simple as a switch to turn on and off. No one chooses to be depressed so telling them to snap out of it is plain ridiculous. Over the years I have spoken and worked with many who have and are still dealing with some form of depression. Some of the mental checklists, internal arguments and temptations mentioned above are just some of the harsh realities of their every day.
For the month of October every week a blog post will have a dedicated focus on depression through poetry, suggestions and powerful inspiration. For those we have lost, for those we hope can feel a sense of wanting to go on, please, please, please don't give up.
Hope may be a phone call away but when you feel bad inside, down deep, that phone can seem a million miles away, with a voice too far away to feel solace. Please do not lose heart. We love, want and need you here. Right here with us.
Until next time~